Strange Mix of Emotion
by Secretly in Pain
Summary: Edward has returned, and he has some thoughts on how Bella was coping before he came back. Written preEclipse


I looked down at Bella, and all of her beauty, sleeping peacefully in my arms. A quilt was wrapped lightly around her, keeping her from my cold temperature. I leaned in, and brushed my lips along her cheekbones, enjoying the bouquet while refusing the wine. Would I ever comprehend the pain I had caused her, the worry and zombie-like state I had put her through? In my one hundred and ten, I don't think I've ever seen someone put through so much agony because of one other person. And I would never be able to make it up to her, to heal her, to erase all memories of me ever leaving.

But why, o why must she test me? Why must she insist that she becomes one of my kind? The very image of her in so much pain sent shivers down my spine. The very thought of my Bella becoming cold, hard, and sparkly made me want to tear myself apart in regret I'd ever planted that thought into her mind. As much as I love her, as much as I can't live without her, I wouldn't let myself be _that_ selfish. Just because I wanted her for my entire life doesn't mean that I would curse her so. I rested my chin on her head, and hummed her lullaby, the tune relaxing me.

Signs of wolf were all over the room. The slight, hardly noticeable dent in the floors where he'd landed trying to get Bella to guess what happened to him. The nose-burning scent was coated onto the sheets on the bed, on some of the dirty clothes in her laundry basket. I shook my head. Poor Bella had to deal with all of the problems Jacob presented when she awoke. My hand traced the features of her angelic face, my heart aching. The unfortunate girl would have been so much better off without me- without my family clogging her human days. They were numbered, until she dies of _old age_. I was determined to keep her human.

Bella stirred, and I held her closely, gently stroking her hair. Was I still a nightmare to her, or had my presence astonished her so she was pushed into shock? If she thought I was a dream last time, before we went to my house?

Uggh. Yet another moment I want to cast out of both of our memories. I closed my eyes, imagining every moment.

We crossed the thresh hold, and Alice was there instantly. She's jumping up and down, and her thoughts are just as excited. _Do we get to turn her? Do we, do we, do we?_ I shook my head minutely, and she frowned, quickly changing it to a smile as she hugged Bella. Everyone but Rosalie did the same, and I glowered at her, still angry she had told me Bella was dead.

DID SHE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT DID TO ME?

We've all cast our vote, and I was shaking with anger, worry, and love, which is a strange combination, even for me. I loved the fact that my love was already accepted into my family. I hated, and was furious that, the fact she was so eager to be changed. I worried of what it would do to all of her other friends, or what Jacob and his pack would do if we broke the treaty. I worried about her, and her ill tolerance for pain. Anger won out of the fight, and I flashed into the living room, ripping apart our flat-screen. I was back within ten seconds, eyes alight with pain and fury.

"Are you INSANE? Why do you wish to damn yourself like that?" I scowled at Bella, and ran outside, there within two seconds. I leaned against the siding of the house, breathing heavily. Esme was at my side.

"She loves you so much, Ed. We don't have to change her for another year- you've that long to figure out another way." Bella peeked her head outside the door, and Esme smiled. She appeared next to Bella, kissed her forehead, and disappeared into the house. I sighed, and shook my head, slowly making my way to my love's side. I offered my arms, and she smiled softly. Bella climbed onto my back, and we ran back to her house in silence.

Which brought me back to the present. I sighed, and tightened my grip on her, lowering my head to her pillow, inhaling her scent. I'd never known such a magnificent creature, and I most likely, hopefully, would never find any thing else.

I smiled silently as I recalled the look on Charlie's face when he'd seen Bella and I together once again. His thoughts were just as amusing, 'What's he doing back!? If that filty life-ruiner thinks he can swoop in and destroy her again, he's got another thing coming!'. The worried father then started to scream at me to put almost-unconscious Bella down, but she almost fainted, so I caught her, and took her up to the room we often shared, little to Charlie's knowledge. I practically skipped down the stairs, where the man was glowering at me.

"What are YOU doing back??!!" I shrugged.

"Esme didn't find Los Angeles to her liking." I hid a smile at our secret inside joke. Some place for a vampire who sparkles, LA would be.

"Get out of my house. You're not allowed under this roof again, Edward Cullen." I frowned softly, much to Charlie's delight. Trudging back into the rain, away from Bella, was one thing I wasn't willing to do. I sighed, and walked into the rain, secretly wishing that Bella would sleep well until I could return to her.

Which she did. And I was glad of it- I'd robbed her so many nights after my disappearance that I would readily allow her to have a few nights without me there. But seeing the look in her eyes when I said I was leaving to go home for a few minutes was enough to convince me otherwise.

I can't believe I was so stupid enough to think she would heal by herself if I broke away quickly, and with as little pain as possible. It didn't work, which I could see from the state of her nails from tearing out the radio, the way she couldn't look me straight in the eye when she first saw me. I was a hallucination, a dream, a nightmare. Something that would further cause her pain.

She stirred in her sleep. I leaned in, and kissed the tip of her nose. She sighed, and slowly opened her eyes. Her voice, music laced with slight grogginess, was just as beautiful as ever.

"Morning." I smiled, and held her close, glad to have my love back in my arms again.


End file.
